i hate you
i love you
i'm losing you
i've lost you
i miss you
i want you
i need you
i'm falling
i'm torn
broken
running
lost
cheating.
i'm misleading you.
you're just a sugar rush that will go away when i fall asleep.
just a taste that will fade.
i lost it.
i lost it when i didn't want to.
it's a secret i'll always keep.
until i forget about it.
and i mostly have.
but when i think about it i feel nothing. i've lost all emotion.
i don't feel anything anymore.
at all.
except maybe
jealousy.
"i wish i was her."
haunting my thought.
honestly i just wish i was born a guy.
being a girl is far too difficult.
sigh.
religion.
not sacreligous, just, needing my own.
but i can't do that,
or everyone would hate me.
you're so far away.
but i need you.
God is the only one who's always there for me.
and i keep forgetting that,
but.
i wish i could just love Him on my own terms.
i don't agree with alot of things in church.
whatever.
i need to do this more often.
vent my feelings.
you're only fourteen,
ringing ringing ringing.
i'll always be here.
i'm not moving.
i'm not leaving this damn town.
as much as i need to.
my mom won't get off of my back.
my sister is stressed.
i think i may be depressed.
all my friends may be leaving.
i'm faking half of my life.
they tell me i'll be someone,
i don't believe them.

now playing: Roads That Don't End And Views That Never Cease- We Came As Romans.

xoxo.

insanity.

awesome. first day of school on September 8th.
i am sooooooooooo not ready for summer to end. D:
ehh.

errr anyways i have a few questions.

what do you do when you love someone with all of your heart and
they love you back, just as much. but
you've been with them before, ((twice))
and they've broken - no - shattered
your heart?
but this time feels different.
you know he hasn't changed, you know
his charm is just a tool used to get any girl.
he's had alot of those.
but you can feel that you actually, honestly,
love him. and
you really feel like he loves you.
cause he's never talked to you like that before
until now. and
you feel it.
you know it's what you need.
but your friends and/or family would think you're an idiot for going back.
you would be stupid to anyways...
just in case. and
you know you have to stay away.
he knows you do too.
it's for the best.
to keep you safe.
but you love him.

... why is the forbidden fruit always so damn sweet?


aanndd, what do you do when
theres this amazing guy
who says he loves you infinately
and he would do so much for you
and understands you
over the internet?
and you've shared so much with eachother...
and he's a safe, honest, all over
amazing guy. but,
here's the thing.
he's thousands of miles away.
he lives in england. ((but this also means,,
british accent...)) but he
would do anything to be with you. but
he's four years older than you.
and... he's done things just to please you,
he's so sweet. and perfect, and
wouldn't hurt you. ever.
but once again,,
england.
college.
*sigh*


and to top the dessert,,, these are both happening at the same time.
while i'm also trying to save one of my best friends from a path she dosen't need to stray upon.
while i'm trying to find a way to revive a lost frendship after two years.
while i'm trying to get used to being highly religious again.
while i'm dealing with judgement, budget, and probably
a slight loss of sanity.

OMGwow.

uhmmm... yeah. wow. its been a reeeeeeeeally long time since i last blogged. but boy do i have alot to talk about.
♥
1...
okay. so. icky situation. theres this person. we'll call him joe. joe broke my heart. really bad. and it hurt. really bad. joe was very sweet and very yummy though. joe was quite charming and seductive. after joe and i went our seperate ways, about 3 or 4 months later (i dont know), joe said he still wanted to be friends. of course, thats so sweet, i felt the same way, blahblahblah. joe and i talked and talked and talked... and talked... over texting. alot. then he started flirting a bit. then more. then it started sounding like when we first liked eachother. which concerned me. things started getting um... interesting and because of my uncontrollable drive of lust, i started saying things out of impulse. we both realized we wanted to see eachother more again but didnt really want to be together. which is good because i promised myself i would never go back. and i didnt really feel any true emotional attraction to him like i had before. my friends would kill me, and his friends kinda just dont like the idea. so its a little like romeo and juliet but with only sex. except theres no sex involved...... oh my goodness, i am so utterly confused. stupid heart.
♥
2...
another boy situation?
okay.
i am pretty much being stalked. theres this kid whos older than me. he probably thinks hes charming me, but trust me. hes not. no offense to him, but hes an ugly poser whos really not my type. he keeps coming to my locker, and its really sketchy. we were only texting for a few days. i admit, i might have said a few things i probably shouldnt have because i was hyper, but still. sketchy stalker ugly creepers- do not roll with me.
♥
3...
yay more boy storiez.
ill put this one shorter than it should be.
two years ago i knew this kid. him and his best friend started hanging out with me and my best friend because we were all in the same classes. turns out he liked me, his friend liked my friend. they were both really sweet. my friend and his friend acted like forbidden lovers (lol) because they both liked eachother and knew it but didnt do anything about it. but he was going to ask her to a dance the next year, keep that in mind. (soooo elementary school haha). the kid still liked me, but i liked someone else sooooooooo much i didnt see it and didnt really care, which was stupid. on valentines day he made me a really crappy card, but it was cute. the day after, he made me an amazing card. it was to make up for the other one. it was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for me. i was so struck, i didnt know what to do. speechless, blushing, gaping. stupid, stupid, stupid. one day a long while after, me and my friend started talking about him. i said how he was so sweet and amazing, but he just wasnt my type and a little immature (what did i know?) and i just liked this other kid wayyyyy too much. he overheard. he didnt talk to me for the rest of the day. i asked what was wrong, and if he heard what i said, but then he said no and got over it. i suppose. we spent the rest year getting better, as friends. it was great. he was the best guy friend i ever had. we even hung out a little over the summer.
the next year, after losing touch a bit, we went to middle school. we expected everything to be fine. but they didnt talk. to me nor my friend, not a word. one day, knowing me, i was walking to lunch totally out of it. i heard a faint "hey" as i was walking by, but i was spacing out (lol) so i didnt think much of it. once i sat down, i asked my friends if someone said "hi" to me when i came out of it. they said yes, that it was the boy. i freaked out. i yelled at them for not telling me (hahahahahahahaha). i was so embarassed that i had my friend go and tell him i was so sorry and that i was spacing out. he said "whatever" and nothing more. now (even though he dosent have very good hair... hahahha) hes soooo much more my type. and i miss him alot. and not a word has been said. two years apart makes a lifetime wasted. :c
♥
4...
im awkward.
like really.
i embarass myself at the worst situatioins, fall legit EVERYWHERE and alwayyyyssssss say the wrong thing at the wrong time. i feel awkward standing, walking, running, singing, playing, jumping, and being infront of people in general. i am the definition of awkward. lol.
♥
5...

amazingly fxcking amazing youtuber i discovered. Matthew Lush A.K.A. GayGod . he is amazing check him out. he is one of the hottest beings ive ever seen ... but hes gay :ccc oh well. ichliebematthewlush<3

♥

6...
tomorrow is my last day of school. finally. 8th grade is next year. but it kinda stinks because the past five days have been rainy crappy cloudy forks, washington weather. and my pools not open. grrrrrrrrrrrrr. but im happy because i get to run around hugging people ^__^
♥
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
(sorry i had to get that out of my system...)
._.

peacelovehugs♥

Not-so-happily-ever-after

Once upon a time there was a boy and a girl (i know, so clichè) they knew eachother for a little while, but what happened seemed like "love at first sight". they both sort of decided to make it official after seeing eachother for awhile.they "fell in love" they kissed after a few days, and more intamately in a few weeks. rushing things? definately not to him, but the girl was sort of new to relationships. she saw everything in him. he was gorgeous, funny, cute, sweet, and nevermind him being the perfect amount of reserved and touch-y. she loved kissing him. she could taste his mouth all day. she blushed when she even was looking at the back of his head. she knew from experience that this boy wasn't very loyal to his previous girlfriends. infact, she almost didn't agree to "going-out" with him because of that. but she couldn't resist that smile. at one point, she became paranoid from the boy hugging friends (who were girls) and she confronted him. he apologized, and she forgave him, even though her friends told her to decide these things more wisely. this happened a few times, in cases getting even worse such as slow dancing with these "friends" when she wasn't there. she just kept confronting, and forgiving. what an oblivious girl. the boy and the girl sort of distanced from eachother. the day before valentine's day, even though the girl always thought it was such a stupid excuse for a romantic holiday, the boy hadnt seen her all day. at the end of the day, they finnally met up. the boy told the girl that he was going to the movies with some of his..."friends". no "happy valentines day" no "sorry" much less asking if it bothered her. she almost cried herself to a puddle walking home alone that day. after a few days, the girl couldn't wait any longer. she embraced her emotions and threw them at the boy. she screamed, blamed, and cursed at him. she exploded her feelings all over the place. the whole time she was crying. hot tears of anger, power, pain. she couldnt believe she even did it. his response? ... "i'm sorry." no. never again. she cried herself to sleep night after night. she kept the situaton to herself. eventually, she got over herself, but her heart still sank when she passed him in the hall. finnally, she was done with him. completely over it. then she saw him with another girl. she wanted to smack him across the face. she didnt know wether to scream or cry. so she didn't do anything. she left it alone. she believed she was still in love with him, but hated him to much to admit it.



(((sound familiar?)))

random is happy

i want to be famous. yeah, i know, i've heard the song. "when i grow up... famous... star... boobies... be careful what you wish for..."... whatever. i don't know how i will, i've been aiming for acting, but its such a hard industry. singing//musician, i'm a little self-consious. okay, alot. writing, i'm not too creative with that kind of stuff. art, there are people who are better artists than me, and it's kind of hard to display work. sports, don't even think about it. ((wow i need confidence.)) i wish that somehow, i could just find something that i'm really good at then i would get discovered and become famous and people would know me and i wouldn't be like all the stars around me because i'm too freeekin' cool. haha. then i would probably create my own clothing//acessory//cosmetic line. or something of the sort. :]

yeahh. i dont know.

░▒▓

boys say that girls are confusing. well, sometimes that's true, but its often the other way around as well. boys are all "i love you." or "please don't say 'i love you' because i'm too terrified or stupid to say it back" and sometimes they are like *i don't want to kiss you, are you kidding me?!* or *kiss you* or *i wanna f?%#&! make out. now.* or even *im hxrny, your ugly. lets f#@&!* and they only have like 5 emotions (most of the time). it's like ::

•happy •sad •mad •hxrny •..."yeah"

then again, girls arent so easy either. if a boy is no good, but for some reason the girl needs to feel accepted, she will do whatever she needs to to fulfill her boyfriends needs. sex, crime, drugs, alcohol, taking abuse, or on a lower scale pretending she loves him just to make him and herself happy, when she's probably not even happy. it's so wrong.

sometimes a girl or boy is lucky enough to find a signifigant other who is kind, fun, accepting, loving, caring, respectful, funny, not judging, not a whxre, in some great cases even hott, or any combination of those. those are the lucky ones. "happily ever after". yay.

and excuse the whole 'boy-girl' stuff. it could happen to anyone in any situation. i'm straight, but i support gays. if it makes you happy, follow your heart, and the more power to you. :]

░▒▓

well those have been my thoughts for the past hour.

xoxo♥☺♪

life quoteee

when it comes to a point where you have to endure someone, it might not be a good idea to simply put up with the whole situation. or let’s say you feel like something is treating you unfairly, why would you just simply put up with it? and i know, a lot of people will stick around with them, no matter how that person will treat them. some will say “but i love him”, which makes me wonder what love is. how can you
love someone who doesn’t have anything good to offer to you?

this is from alex evans' blog. thing. its one of my favorite quotes. it made me realize what i was doing with myself. story. of . my. lifee. alex is my hero.

i really don't know what to write. i don't have really anything exciting to write about.

so yeah... more coming soooooooon. <3